Consulting
@
justanotherconman
Definition
A mystical service where experienced individuals use complex words to describe common sense solutions, often accompanied by hefty invoices and PowerPoint presentations.
Example
After three months of consulting, we've discovered that our sales will go up if we sell more.
Very Agile
@
Definition
An excuse for the management to go batshit crazy and make people do random work.
Example
Manager: "I know yesterday we were focused on developing the new web platform, but today, in the spirit of being very agile, we're pivoting to creating an underwater basket weaving app. It's all about flexibility, team!"
Deliverables
@
PeeEEmm
Definition
Tangible items or services produced through the project, often spoken about as if they're mythical objects that will solve all problems upon their arrival.
Example
"The deliverables will be ready by Friday," he said, with the same optimism of someone promising that world peace and a unicorn are just around the corner.
Service Design
@
aMe
Definition
A mystical process where ordinary customer service is repackaged into a series of complex diagrams that make it look like you've deciphered the human condition.
Example
After our service design overhaul, calling our helpline will now take you on a journey through an interactive voice response that's been carefully crafted to simulate the five stages of grief.
Business Design
@
ItsaMe
Definition
A term used to make the process of making money sound like it has the finesse of painting the Mona Lisa, when it's often more like finger painting.
Example
"Our business design is robust, scalable, and holistic. We've even included a slide with a yin-yang symbol to show our commitment to balance and harmony between revenue and expenses."
Standup
@
InvisiblePM
Definition
A daily ritual where team members confess what they didn't finish yesterday, promise what they won't finish today, and learn about new things they won't have time to finish tomorrow.
Example
During the standup, John shared his ongoing saga with the bug that's been "almost fixed" for a week, while the rest of the team mentally prepared their own versions of "I'm still working on it."